Give and Take

PERSONAE DRAMATIS: One of the great apes [APE] and his companion [CANINE]

Interior. A one-bedroom apartment, the Pacific Northwest. Evening.

APE (to CANINE): Come here, we need to go out.

CANINE: Yes! Oh, boy! Out! I need to go out!

Exterior. Patch of pine bark behind one-bedroom apartment.

APE: Do your business.


[CANINE remains motionless}

APE: Do your business.


[CANINE sniffs, pees]

APE: Is that it? Do you need to poop?

CANINE: Nope! I did that this morning!

APE: Are you sure?

CANINE: Oh, yes!

APE: Well, OK, but if you––

CANINE: Oh, boy! In! I get to go in!

Interior. Kitchen. APE is pouring a beer. CANINE is nowhere to be seen.

APE: Canine? Where are you?

[Terrifying, pregnant stillness save the faint sounds of smacking]

APE: Where. Are. You?

[APE goes to door of bedroom]

APE: No, God!

Interior. Bedroom. CANINE on the bed, smacking profanely. On the sheets, a brown smear.


APE: Why?!

CANINE: It’s not what it looks like! I cleaned up!

APE: So it’s worse.


APE: Why?!

CANINE: I had to go out!

APE: That’s what I…get out!

CANINE: You’re upset. Have you tried a beer?

APE: Get in here!

Living room. APE is on the couch drinking a beer. CANINE watches him intensely.


APE: What?

CANINE: Nothing!


[CANINE perches by the door]


APE: What?!

CANINE: Nothing!

[CANINE sniffing treats]

CANINE: I want a treat!

APE: You haven’t done anything to earn one. You only get those when you––

CANINE: Out! I need to go out!

APE: Jesus, Lord of Mercy.

Exterior. Pine bark again.

APE: OK, do your business.

CANINE: What?!

APE: Do your business.


APE: Because you said you needed to go!

CANINE: Oh, I already went! Do we go in now?!

APE: So help me, I––

CANINE: Love you too!

APE: I know. Now, come on, let’s go in.

CANINE: Do I get a treat?!

APE: Yeah, you earned it.



One thought on “Give and Take

  1. Well I’m laughing hysterically!! Too funny and TRUE!! This “ape” has been on that patch of pine bark with the canine. I’ve seen that look!! Adorable but…,,,,,,!!


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