Give and Take

PERSONAE DRAMATIS: One of the great apes [APE] and his companion [CANINE]

Interior. A one-bedroom apartment, the Pacific Northwest. Evening.

APE (to CANINE): Come here, we need to go out.

CANINE: Yes! Oh, boy! Out! I need to go out!

Exterior. Patch of pine bark behind one-bedroom apartment.

APE: Do your business.

CANINE: OK!

[CANINE remains motionless}

APE: Do your business.

CANINE: OK!

[CANINE sniffs, pees]

APE: Is that it? Do you need to poop?

CANINE: Nope! I did that this morning!

APE: Are you sure?

CANINE: Oh, yes!

APE: Well, OK, but if you––

CANINE: Oh, boy! In! I get to go in!

Interior. Kitchen. APE is pouring a beer. CANINE is nowhere to be seen.

APE: Canine? Where are you?

[Terrifying, pregnant stillness save the faint sounds of smacking]

APE: Where. Are. You?

[APE goes to door of bedroom]

APE: No, God!

Interior. Bedroom. CANINE on the bed, smacking profanely. On the sheets, a brown smear.

CANINE: Hi!

APE: Why?!

CANINE: It’s not what it looks like! I cleaned up!

APE: So it’s worse.

CANINE: Ummm…

APE: Why?!

CANINE: I had to go out!

APE: That’s what I…get out!

CANINE: You’re upset. Have you tried a beer?

APE: Get in here!

Living room. APE is on the couch drinking a beer. CANINE watches him intensely.

CANINE: Hey!

APE: What?

CANINE: Nothing!

APE: OK.

[CANINE perches by the door]

CANINE: Hey!

APE: What?!

CANINE: Nothing!

[CANINE sniffing treats]

CANINE: I want a treat!

APE: You haven’t done anything to earn one. You only get those when you––

CANINE: Out! I need to go out!

APE: Jesus, Lord of Mercy.

Exterior. Pine bark again.

APE: OK, do your business.

CANINE: What?!

APE: Do your business.

CANINE: Why?!

APE: Because you said you needed to go!

CANINE: Oh, I already went! Do we go in now?!

APE: So help me, I––

CANINE: Love you too!

APE: I know. Now, come on, let’s go in.

CANINE: Do I get a treat?!

APE: Yeah, you earned it.