Setting. Home, a one-bedroom apartment. The weekend. Enter APE to find CANINE hunched over a piece of paper.
APE: What’s that?
CANINE: It’s my to-do list.
APE: You can write?
CANINE: I know, I’m as surprised as you are.
APE: What’s it say?
CANINE: How should I know? I can’t read.
APE: Can I see it?
(APE Picks up list)
APE, cont’d: “Sleep.”
CANINE: Can’t have too much of that.
APE: Or food.
CANINE: You get it.
APE: “Bark and/or howl at noises. Addendum: wake him up in terror.”
CANINE: That’s a classic.
(APE squints at list)
APE, cont’d: “Step on”…what’s this word?
APE: “Step on balls?” Why would you write that?!
CANINE: It’s something to do. It’s on my to-do list.
APE: Right, but…why is it there? Why would you do that?
CANINE: I don’t understand the question.
APE: WHY WOULD YOU ––
(CANINE leaps into APE’s lap, right onto his balls. APE grabs CANINE and starts to pet her)
CANINE: I have my reasons.
Two: CINÉMA VÉRITÉ
Setting: Home. Night. The TV is on, the lights are off. CANINE and APE are snuggled in a chair.
CANINE: We’ve seen this before. Is there anything else on?
APE: What are you talking about? This is the best.
CANINE: I like the second one more.
APE: What? Are you–– Are you crazy? The first one’s totally better.
CANINE: This is the one with the dog, right?
APE: Yeah, here it comes right––
CANINE: SHIT! SHIT! SHIT! THERE’S A DOG IN THE HOUSE! HEY! HEY, YOU! I SEE YOU! HEY! HEY! I’M GONNA SPLIT YOU FROM NUTS TO NAVEL AND SHIT DOWN YOUR––
APE: Je-sus! Calm down! We’ve seen this at least a hundred times. You know––
CANINE: Hey, when’s the dog show up? I like him, though his performance is a little… flat. I have a hard time believing it.
APE: Just…eat some popcorn.
CANINE: It’s OK, I had some poop earlier.
APE: You’re not full.
CANINE: You’re right, I’m not.
Setting: The street. Evening. It’s fall. APE and CANINE are taking a walk.
APE: Are are you eating?
CANINE: I have no idea.
APE: Is it safe?
APE: Spit it out!
APE: Spit it out!
APE: Spit it––
CANINE: Too late! It’s gone!
APE: You remember what happened last time?
CANINE: Can’t say I do, no.
APE: You threw up in the middle of the night.
CANINE: That never happened.
APE: And then you ate it.
CANINE: Oh, right. It was still warm and––
APE: Jesus. Stop. Just–– Don’t say I didn’t warn you.
CANINE: About what?
APE: About what you just ate.
CANINE: What’d I just eat?
APE: You wouldn’t let me see it!
CANINE: That doesn’t sound like me.
APE: It sounds exactly like you.
CANINE: I feel a little attacked right now. Are you sure you’re all right?
APE: Look…can we just finish our walk? I have to cook dinner.
CANINE: Dinner?! Yes!
APE: You just ate, like, ten seconds ago.
CANINE: Mmmm, no.
APE: All right…that’s…we’re going home. I have to cook.
CANINE: What are you going to make? Can I have some?
CANINE : Can I have some?
CANINE: Can I have some?
CANINE: What is it?!
APE: Probably just a salad.
CANINE: Oh. Well…never mind. They don’t settle well with me. Remember what happened last time.
APE: Nothing happened last time.
CANINE: I know. What’s the point of that?