Three Conversations with Ape and Canine

One: T.C.O.B.

Setting. Home, a one-bedroom apartment. The weekend. Enter APE to find CANINE hunched over a piece of paper.

APE: What’s that?

CANINE: It’s my to-do list.

APE: You can write?

CANINE: I know, I’m as surprised as you are.

APE: What’s it say?

CANINE: How should I know? I can’t read.

APE: Can I see it?

(APE Picks up list)

APE: “Eat.”

CANINE: Obviously.

APE: Obviously.

APE, cont’d: “Sleep.”

CANINE: Can’t have too much of that.

APE: Or food.

CANINE: You get it.

APE: “Bark and/or howl at noises. Addendum: wake him up in terror.”

CANINE: That’s a classic.

APE: Hmm.

(APE squints at list)

APE, cont’d: “Step on”…what’s this word?

CANINE: “Balls”

APE: “Step on balls?” Why would you write that?!

CANINE: It’s something to do. It’s on my to-do list.

APE: Right, but…why is it there? Why would you do that?

CANINE: I don’t understand the question.

APE: WHY WOULD YOU ––

(CANINE leaps into APE’s lap, right onto his balls. APE grabs CANINE and starts to pet her)

CANINE: I have my reasons.

Two: CINÉMA VÉRITÉ

Setting: Home. Night. The TV is on, the lights are off. CANINE and APE are snuggled in a chair.

CANINE: We’ve seen this before. Is there anything else on?

APE: What are you talking about? This is the best.

CANINE: I like the second one more.

APE: What? Are you–– Are you crazy? The first one’s totally better.

CANINE: This is the one with the dog, right?

APE: Yeah, here it comes right––

CANINE: SHIT! SHIT! SHIT! THERE’S A DOG IN THE HOUSE! HEY! HEY, YOU! I SEE YOU! HEY! HEY! I’M GONNA SPLIT YOU FROM NUTS TO NAVEL AND SHIT DOWN YOUR––

APE: Je-sus! Calm down! We’ve seen this at least a hundred times. You know––

CANINE: Hey, when’s the dog show up? I like him, though his performance is a little… flat. I have a hard time believing it.

APE: Just…eat some popcorn.

CANINE: It’s OK, I had some poop earlier.

APE: You’re not full.

CANINE: You’re right, I’m not.

Three: AMUSE-BOUCHE 

Setting: The street. Evening. It’s fall. APE and CANINE are taking a walk.

CANINE chewing.

APE: Are are you eating?

CANINE: I have no idea.

APE: Is it safe?

CANINE: …Yes?

APE: Spit it out!

CANINE: No!

APE: Spit it out!

CANINE: NO!

APE: Spit it––

CANINE: Too late! It’s gone!

APE: You remember what happened last time?

CANINE: Can’t say I do, no.

APE: You threw up in the middle of the night.

CANINE: That never happened.

APE: And then you ate it.

CANINE: Oh, right. It was still warm and––

APE: Jesus. Stop. Just–– Don’t say I didn’t warn you.

CANINE: About what?

APE: About what you just ate.

CANINE: What’d I just eat?

APE: You wouldn’t let me see it!

CANINE: That doesn’t sound like me.

APE: It sounds exactly like you.

CANINE: I feel a little attacked right now. Are you sure you’re all right?

APE: Look…can we just finish our walk? I have to cook dinner.

CANINE: Dinner?! Yes!

APE: You just ate, like, ten seconds ago.

CANINE: Mmmm, no.

APE: All right…that’s…we’re going home. I have to cook.

CANINE: What are you going to make? Can I have some?

APE: No.

CANINE : Can I have some?

APE: No.

CANINE: Can I have some?

APE: Sure.

CANINE: What is it?!

APE: Probably just a salad.

CANINE: Oh. Well…never mind. They don’t settle well with me. Remember what happened last time.

APE: Nothing happened last time.

CANINE: I know. What’s the point of that?

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